hacked, burned and poisoned

Dear friends,

Good news, my two year cancer anniversary comes up in a week, March 5^th. The two-year life expectancy for  stage IV lung cancer is less than 4%, so I am doing pretty good, if I was in school I would be getting an A.

The 5-year life expectancy is less than 1%, even with all the new miracle treatments: the immunotherapy drugs, the targeted drugs. Lung cancer is the most deadly cancer, killing more than the next 4 cancers combined and one of the poorest funded research efforts, ranking about 10^th among cancers.

I am on a new chemotherapy drug, Keytruda, it is a form of immunotherapy. I have had 3 infusions and so far, no side effects. Not that I need any, I have a collapsed lung, COPD and asthma. I am on oxygen 24 hours a day. I was complaining about not feeling very good yesterday afternoon, and Carol reminded me that it was most likely the cancer, I guess I like to think that it is mostly the COPD, but she is probably right. If the Keytruda works, I have about one year, 6 months if it doesn't.

So I was curious why I am doing so well. I asked the doctor, he said, “some of it is due to genetics, some to a bit of luck, but a lot has to do with fitness level and attitude.

He said, “you came to me very fit, like an athlete. You had the strength for surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. (I saw another descriptor that I like better, 'hacked, burned and poisoned'.)

I have always been active, attracted to sweat I guess, I particularly liked the feel of a shovel in my hand and a wheelbarrow. Swimming, rollerblading, walking, bicycling, weight lifting, speed-bag, and judo also got regular time. I always liked myself better when I was busy. And this has been the hardest part for me to accept, my ego is still tied to that lifestyle.

As for the attitude thing, most of that talk goes over my head. People tell me all the time, 'you are so brave', 'you are a warrior' and you know what, I don't realize that I am doing anything... I don't feel brave, I just don't know any other way to act.

I suppose that a lot of that comes from studying martial arts for most of my life. In judo especially, when someone throws you to the ground at 30 miles an hour... there is no fantasy there, it is pure reality, the landing shakes the living crap out of you. You may not be thrown that hard again that evening but after a couple of hundred solid throws/landings and some not so solid throws/landings (these are the worst because you don't land right and the risk of injury is higher but you learn self-preservation) your mind becomes pretty focused. So I come about the sense of reality from judo.

But there is another part about attitude that is important, my wife, Carol, stresses that we have a choice, we can choose to be happy, to be positive, when we wake up in the morning we make a decision about how we are going to meet the day, we can make a decision to be happy or not. How we feel any day is how we decide to feel.

I had a handmade poster on my bulletin board at work that said, “what you think is coming at you is really coming from you.” It is our choice how we respond to those things that are happening in our lives.

We all win some: we pass the test, we graduate from high school, we get a job, we get married, we have kids, they give us grandkids, we retire and more. We lose some: we flunk the test, we crash the car, one of our parents die, god forbid, one of our kids die, we lose our job, we get divorced and more.

Jigoro Kano, the founder of judo said, “Paradoxically, the man who has failed and one who is at the peak of success are in exactly the same position. Each must decide what he will do next, choose the course that will lead him to the future. “

The worst thing is not failing, we all fail, the worst is giving up, doing nothing. Don't give up, push hard into your last moment.

Love,

Van